Should I check my child's phone?

It’s reasonable to keep an eye on a younger child’s phone, especially when it’s new to them, as long as you’re open about it rather than doing it in secret. Child safety charities suggest agreeing what you’ll check and why, making checks a routine rather than a surprise, and easing off as your child shows they can handle more freedom. The goal isn’t to catch them out. It’s to make sure they’ll come to you if something goes wrong (Action for Children).

Is it OK to look at my child’s phone?

Yes, in the right way. The UK charity Action for Children suggests keeping a closer eye when children are younger and giving them more freedom as they mature. Its starting point is always to talk to your child about online safety and include them in setting the rules (Action for Children).

It also gives a clear line on looking without their agreement: that’s for when you think your child is at risk of harm and the risk outweighs how they’ll react. In everyday life, it’s better to agree checks together.

Why being open works better than snooping

Most children won’t want you reading every message, and that’s normal. Action for Children suggests being clear about what you want to see and why, and reassuring your child that you trust them. It warns against using checks to catch them out or as a punishment, because that could make a child more secretive (Action for Children).

Dr Joanne Orlando, a researcher in Western Sydney University’s School of Education, makes a similar point about older children: routine checking of a teenager’s phone may end up building mistrust between parent and child (Western Sydney University).

A few ground rules that Action for Children suggests can make checks feel normal rather than nosy:

• Look at social media together, side by side.
• Keep phones in shared parts of the home rather than the bedroom. Our guide on keeping phones out of the bedroom at night has more on this.
• Agree time limits, and write them into a family screen time agreement.

How should checking change as they get older?

Dr Orlando suggests the first year of a child’s phone is about safety, with controls and monitoring in place, and that “after about 12 months” of phone ownership, give or take, checking should start to fade. Some children will need longer and some less, depending on their maturity and their world (Western Sydney University). In place of checking, she suggests teaching them to use their phone well: going through privacy and app settings together, learning the screen time features, and trying new apps alongside them.

These are suggestions, not fixed ages. You know your child best, and a child who’s struggling or particularly vulnerable may need more support for longer.

What about monitoring apps and location tracking?

Monitoring apps can manage screen time, approve or block apps, lock devices and show location. The UK Safer Internet Centre says they may help when a child is just starting out with their own device or has particular vulnerabilities, but they can’t guarantee a child is safe from harmful content, and they work best alongside open conversations at home (UK Safer Internet Centre).

You may not need to pay for anything. Internet Matters points to free tools built into devices: Screen Time on iPhone and iPad, Google Family Link on Android and Microsoft Family on Windows and Xbox (Internet Matters). Our step-by-step guides cover Screen Time on iPhone and Family Link on Android. Features and menus change between versions, so check the current help pages too.

Internet Matters says it doesn’t recommend software that records everything a child does, calling it “highly invasive” and a sign of a lack of trust. It suggests talking the options through with your child and reviewing the boundaries as they mature. Action for Children adds that if you install anything, explain what it is and why, and that you’re not spying on them. Location sharing can be handy if your child goes out or travels to school alone.

What if I find something worrying?

Action for Children’s advice is to try to stay calm and reassure your child that they can talk to you (Action for Children). Your child may worry about getting into trouble or losing their phone, so lead with support rather than consequences. Depending on what you find, you can help them block and report the content or person, update parental controls, and talk to their school. If you believe your child is in danger, contact the Gardaí (or the police in the UK) straight away.

Our guides on what to do if your child sees something upsetting online and if your child is being bullied online walk through the next steps.

What to do next

• Have the conversation first. Tell your child what you’d like to check, why, and how often, and listen to what they think is fair.
• Make it a routine. Pick a regular, relaxed time to look at apps and settings together, rather than surprise checks.
• Use the free tools. Set up Screen Time or Family Link together this week, so your child knows exactly what’s switched on.
• Agree when you’ll ease off. For example, review the rules after a few months or on their next birthday, and give more privacy as they show they can handle it.
• Keep the door open. Remind them that if anything online ever worries them, they can come to you and won’t be in trouble for telling you.